Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
