I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
