At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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