I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
