I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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