after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
