Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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