I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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