Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
