Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
