Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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