Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
