Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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