My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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