she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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