WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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