First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
