i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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