The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
