Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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