Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize