where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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