non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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