your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
