Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
