I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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