i just had sex bonerless
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
