Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
