Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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