More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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