I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
