why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
