yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
