i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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