sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
