dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
there was a trapeze. enough said
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
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Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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