i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
