You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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