What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
