The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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