god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
