I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
