Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She announced her abortion via fbk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
