The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
