So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
