I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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