Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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