He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize