Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
