if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
