Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
