Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
