HIV tests are more positive than that guy
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
