I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
