What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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