Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
