He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
