Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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