I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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