dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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