Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
