he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
