Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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